Global Domination

Audio Autopsy - April 2010

01/04/10  ||  Global Domination

Immolation: Majesty and decay

7.25/10

Lord K: There it is! THERE HE IS! LEMON TIME? Hardly so. Immolation’s here to remind all of us that they are not going anywhere anytime soon and while they are sticking around they might as well become better and better with their trademark death metal, album after album. It took me quite some time before I understood Immolation, but after touring with them for a month and giving their albums tons of listens I truly appreciate their style. A sadly and wrongly underrated band who deserves a fuckload more recognition than what they get. Not a lemon in sight and they even got themselves a great production this time around. Finally. Easy victory for Ross and Co. Keep it up, kids. 8

Kampfar: Immolation has been a fantastic band for a couple of decades by now and “Majesty and decay” is yet another slab of awesomeness on their behalf. Since I ain’t a member of the band I needn’t say it’s the best shit they ever did, so I won’t, but their latest is for sure an ace platter containing nothing but proper death done the Immolation way. I fucking hail thee. 9

CadenZ: You always know what you get with Immolation. Straight-up slaughter. Gotta love Dolan’s harsh and fucken grim growls. Easily the winner in this month’s edition. 8

Farlus (guest): The music just slowly plods along, not ever really getting anywhere and doing nothing for me. I thought about taking a nap during this album. A DIRT NAP HAR HAR. Come on, New York, you’re supposed to be putting out quality death metal, not this horse shit. 4

Rotting Christ: Aealo

5.75/10

Lord K: I’ve heard tons of good shit about this band lately but I believe this is the first time I actually hear them. There’s nothing wrong with what they do on “Aealo”, but it’s not living up to the hype made by some. I expected it to be more brutal though. This one might be a grower, but at the moment it passes for a good album, nothing more – nothing less. 6

Kampfar: I’ve ignored Rotting Christ since I first heard about them back in the 90’s and I’ll continue this tradition of mine as soon as “Aelao” shuts the fuck up. A total shitfest it ain’t, certainly one of the best platters this edition has on offer, but atmospheric dark metal is not anyway near being my favorite cup of tea. 4

CadenZ: The Greeks’ well-crafted and convincing metal just fails to grab me. It sounds good, but… something’s missing. I know it’s not heart, as Sakis and his boys are about as dedicated as one could be, I guess their music just doesn’t hit the preferred spot on my Map of Musical Taste (MMT). Still, this is easily better than average. 7

Farlus (guest): I imagine these guys are no longer considered grvm or tr00 since departing from their early black metal sound to this current Greek/goth metal style, but I have to respect them adapting and modifying to keep from getting stale. I don’t love or hate this album. The fact that it’s not power metal bumps it up a point or two. 6

Annotations Of An Autopsy: The reign of darkness

5.25/10

Lord K: So there is some truth to the praising these guys get in the press, who’d fucken believe that? Then again, if you look at it it’s not like AOAA are doing anything out of the ordinary. It’s high quality death metal, quantized, Pro-Tooled and soulless – pretty much like everything else that comes out nowadays. They are good but so are the other 600 million death metal bands from the new breed. Good, not great. I just can’t be arsed to care all too much. Qualitative shit though. 6

Kampfar: Their name is quite fucking idiotic, the actual music not so, but death with a hint of deathcore won’t rule my day or night anytime soon. 6

CadenZ: Urrghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Yiiieeaaaaaaahhhhh!!!! Blouuurgghhhh!! Iiiiihhhhhh!!! Ok, ok, as hilarious as that fucken pic is, these morons aren’t as shitty as they look. Or as constipated. Brutallic death metal with lots of fast kicks, blastbeats and breakdowns. 6

Farlus (guest): Movie samples? Check. Processed vocals? Check. Thoughtless lyrics? Check. Uninspired, unimaginative playing? Check. Let’s form a metal band guys! Also, let’s see how many words beginning with “a” we can put in our name! 3

Dark Tranquillity: We are the void

5/10

Lord K: DT’s always been a band possessing a lot of talent without ever being able to fully click with me. “We are the void” sounds like expected so ofcourse they still don’t fully click with me, no matter how professional it all sounds. Fucken nice guys though, I’ll give them that. 6

Kampfar: In Flames is a spent force lost in nu metal, Dark Tranquillity is not, but “We are the void” very much fails to impress the sordid twat writing these words you’re now reading. Do “The mind’s eye” instead. 5

CadenZ: Sounds like DT found out about Naglfar and decided to get influenced (example: the chorus on “Shadow In Our Blood”), which is absolutely not a bad thing. Some edge to DT’s always too soft, though well-played and –arranged, melodic thrash with scream vox tastes just fine. 6

Farlus (guest): Never been a fan of these guys. I saw them live once and the lead singer had a perm. That was enough for me to never take them seriously again. The music’s okay at best. I listened to the entire album and wasn’t sad that it was over. Guess that means it gets a: 3

Charred Walls Of The Damned: Charred walls of the damned

4.5/10

Lord K: This is supposed to be some all-star shit as far as I know. It’s fine pussy metal where the individual’s performance seems a bit more important than the actual song writing. Ripper Owens’ got himself a nice set of pipes but they get a bit annoying in the end with that fucken irritating vibrato he’s using all the time. I wish I could hear more of DiGiorgio’s bass as well. But sure, this is a fine effort, just not anything mindblowing. Kind of like Iced Earth, only not sucky. 6

Kampfar: Generic heavy metal spiced with some thrash here and there is not at all recommended by me. All I have to add is this: I’m at the time writing circa halfway through this shitter and I’ve felt like mowing down the whole since the very start. Enough already. 3

CadenZ: This would be some OK heavy metal with great execution – if it wouldn’t be for one fucker. “Ripper” is nearly as bad a vocalist as Blaze Gayley, his vibrato being so over the top that I just wanna take a few steps back, charge forward and lunge my double-edged war-axe over the Atlantic and into his rotten throat, severing his vocal cords and thus preventing them from ever doing any harm of this kind to mankind ever again. Fuck you, Ripper, for destroying this CD. Amongst other things. 4

Farlus (guest): I would consider this a decent album if Ripper, DiGiorgio and Christy were not involved (never heard of the other guy), but since they are I had really high expectations for the output and overall it’s just mediocre. Great idea, poor execution. 5

Dream Evil: In the night

4/10

Lord K: If you are going to do heavy metal with all the clichés known to mankind, at least do it with class. And you didn’t see this coming, but that’s exactly what Dream Evil do. Heavy metal cheese, done the right way, can be a beautiful thing. 7

Kampfar: My need to hear power metal is at an all time low, throat-fucking an A.I.D.S. infested piranha tempting me more, so I of course hate what Dream Evil has on offer. Take your uplifting bullshit lyrics and fuck off to wonderland already. 3

CadenZ: Dream Evil managed to write one kick-ass song (you know which one) and have been all lame and average ever since, and no change on this here disc found can be. The quality of everything is high as hell, except for the most crucial part – the songs themselves. Cheese has to be real fucken good to taste good, you know. 4

Farlus (guest): Nick Night! Dannee Demon! Ritchie Rainbow! Pete Pain! Pat Power! Dream Evil are like the guy that shows up to the party and you have no idea who invited him or how he got there, but you really want to kick his ass. See my comments for Blaze Bayley – decent backing music, vocals ruin it for me. I think the lyrics contain every metal cliche possible. “We are power! Bang your head! We can’t be stopped! It’s Electric! BOOGIE WOOGIE WOOGIE” This is no better than the last Dream Evil album I heard some years ago. 2

Rage: Strings to a web

3.25/10

Lord K: I rather put heated tridents into my eyes repeatedly while drinking tar than to ever listen to Rage again. För helvete. 2

Kampfar: Rage would be a fitting name for a brutal band but brutality is for sure not a part of this meek equation named “Strings to a web”. Incredibly fucking bad. 2

CadenZ: Seems like Peavy & co still have some energy going, as this could’ve been much blander. Not the finest fruit in the basket but the old-timers pull off some nice semi-proggy tunes with edge, attitude and hooks. 7

Farlus (guest): Why do these 20 year old power metal bands insist on continuing to put out terrible albums? I’m on the verge of tears here because I am so fucking tired of hearing the same recycled riffs. Mötley Crüe wrote this better in the ’80s, please stop… please… 2

Orphaned Land: The never ending way of ORwarriOR

3/10

Lord K: Bands playing circus metal should be Josef Fritzl’d. This is so pretentious even Dream Theater would be ashamed. Still there’s no denying they do possess some talent. But as a whole Orphaned Land (wtf?) suck. 3

Kampfar: I don’t know what an ORwarriOR is, neither do I want to learn, much like I never want to hear another second of what them here pretentious Jews are up to. The most “impressive” aspect of this release is that it lasts for about a year without doing anything right. 1

CadenZ: Mid-East metal? Cool. Well, not all is cool but the idea is pretty daring. I like the more progressive and heavier parts quite a lot, the mellow parts are too meek at times and the ethno stuff sounds just off most of the time. What is obvious though is that these guys and gal (and producer Steven Wilson) know perfectly well what the fuck they’re doing. Cheers. 7

Farlus (guest): NOW I know who did the soundtrack to “Aladdin”! Wait, not these guys? Fuck. The search continues. Israeli metal should not exist, by the way. I’d insert a funny Jewish joke here but that’d be way to easy. The Aladdin joke will have to suffice. This album is funny enough to sustain that laugh for an hour and twenty minutes, if you’re enough of a masochist to let it spin that long. 1

Fozzy: Chasing the grail

3/10

Lord K: Fozzy should rename the album “Chasing the dragon”. They could use the drugs to grow some fucken balls. Ok crap that will never be spun in my flat again. 4

Kampfar: Chris Jericho is a professional wrestler and could probably beat me to smithereens in mere seconds hadn’t it been for me shooting him in the face before he could do so. Other than that, his band might be the best heavy metal unit represented in this abysmal edition of AA but it remains a quite fucking shitty one nonetheless. 3

CadenZ: I thought this was a joke band playing Ozzy covers. Turns out it’s some kind of melodic metal with aggressive undertones, some stuff actually being quite good (what’s wrong with me) and other shit (like some auto-tuner choruses and the USA-radio/country “metal” ballad “Broken Soul”) sounding so fucken horrible I wanna kill myself. And/or Fozzy. 4

Farlus (guest): No amount of vocal processing can make Chris Jericho into a good singer, not even if it turns him into Ozzy Osbourne. Fozzy needs to go back to being a cover band. 1

Blaze Bayley: Promise and terror

3/10

Lord K: You want me to believe that there are people out there who give the slightest of fucks about Blaze Bailey? No one cared when he was in Maiden so I don’t think the demand for Blaze Bayley albums is sky-rocketing when he’s on his own. 3

Kampfar: Straightforward heavy-metal adorned by flat vocals is what Bayley Alexander Cook and friends are up to, yet again, and therefore you should stick to Iron Maiden until death overtakes you. Yep, why the last mentioned once upon a time employed Blaze Bayley remains a mystery on par with life itself. 2

CadenZ: Shut up, shithead. You sound like a fucken dork. Overdone vibrato and an annoying, unclear voice timbre. The songs are average heavy metal. Boooooooooooooooooriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. 3

Farlus (guest): Blaze firmly plants himself as THE worst Iron Maiden vocalist ever, even though he seems to believe otherwise. This is like most power metal (and Blaze albums, specifically) I’ve listened to – mostly awesome when there’s no singing. Terrible over-the-top vocals and lyrics bring the overall effect to just average. It’s really hard to appreciate a chunky riff or groovy drum fill with some asshole wailing in your ear about his tiny elf penis. 4

Crematory: Infinity

3/10

Lord K: Seldom have I heard such misplaced keyboards in a band. Then again, they are Germans – which somewhat explains it. Some of the material surprised me since it bordered on thrash metal, I always expected these idiots to play nothing but romantic, goth-ish bullshit. Well, they do most of the time. And also most of the time – Crematory kinda fucken suck it big-time. 3

Kampfar: Decent growls and some fine riffs aside, this orchestra (sieg) hailing Germany as home is nothing but a gay gothfest dressed up in a slick production. In other words, since I once thought of “Awake” as a fine album I should be punched in the cunt. Repeatedly. 3

CadenZ: Crematory sound very… mid-European. Lo and behold, they hail from Deutschland. Nothing ravishing about this moody goth metal with quite a lot of keyboards driving the parade. In fact, I would say this is boring and gay as hell. 4

Farlus (guest): Remember how hard you laughed the first time you learned to belch and talk at the same time? Get ready to relive that great moment of your life when you hear Crematory, as they appear to be perpetually stuck at that moment. Perhaps their recording studio was a time vortex where all lost belches go to mate with broken English. I think that’s the funniest part – hearing someone belch “THIS IS THE PAIN! FOR WHICH! I AM SINGING!” Classic. Yeah, this band sucks. 2

Gamma Ray: To the metal

2.5/10

Lord K: Is it World War II all over again? Fucken Germany is invading this edition of Audio Autopsy. It’s a wonder that Kai Hansen once created fantastic music with Helloween coz this shit is absolutely hideous on all accounts. Listen to “Mother angel” and keep a bucket beside you to throw up in. 2

Kampfar: Gamma Gay could perhaps kill a fly if you handed them a tactical nuke. 2

CadenZ: Ride the sky! Ride the sky! Give me wiiiiiiiings to – huh? What? Kai Hansen’s released a new Gamma Gay record? So he keeps on adding to his repertoire of uninteresting pomp power metal with fast double kicks and worse vocals for every release. Kudos for trying, raspy senior, I’ll go blast some “Keeper”-era H. 4

Farlus (guest): I was actually ecstatic when this album first started because it didn’t make me want to shear my ears with a rusty garden tool. Then “No Need To Cry” started and I just couldn’t stop laughing. Wow. “Hey Farlus, come guest on AA! It’ll be cool! Power metal? Nah, there won’t be any of that…” FUCK! 2

Royal Hunt: X

2.25/10

Lord K: You can take the comments that I made about fucken Rage and apply them to this shit band. Fuck you and fuck you. 2

Kampfar: Royal Cunt has been around since 1989 and melodic bullcrap has been the name of their game ever since. Fuck, I just realized that white men is the weakest form of life this planet ever came up with. 2

CadenZ: Royal Cunt play AOR prog with a cheese factor off the chart. I’m sad to say they don’t suck as much as is needed to get ripped a new one. They only suck. Like royal cunts usually do (hi, princess Madeleine). Yes, that was a sexist joke. Plus she gives amazing BJ’s. 4

Farlus (guest): This was the last of the bunch this month that I listened to. Before I dismissed them as another garbage prog/power band, I decided to read up on the band bio. Boy, was I in for a treat! To begin with, in the list of members, the keyboardist is listed first. That’s your first sign this band is full of themselves. Who gives a flying fuck about the keyboardist, even if he founded the band? Here’s the line that killed me: “He…is a musical genius who can virtually play any instrument, compose, write lyrics and produce all at the same time.” A GENIUS! Also: “Lyrics come easy to a guy who can read fifteen books in two weeks”. WHAT TALENT! I could be wrong, but maybe this guy wrote his own bio? Maybe? A big fucking middle finger to Royal Cunt (see wut I did thar?). 1

Freedom Call: Legend of the shadowking

1.5/10

Lord K: Holy shit, with emphasis on SHIT. Few things rile me up like idiots in bands like this. Holy shit, again, this is so fucken awful I think my eyelids just fell off. Die. Please. Die. Points for being able to handle their instruments ofcourse, but the end result is… terrifying. At best. 2

Kampfar: Fucking hell, a galloping power-metal opera sounds a lot worse than you could possibly imagine. 1

CadenZ: This month’s AA is fucken shite. Absolutely horrific fucken total donkey dick shite. Freedom Balls want to be as epic and majestic as Blind Guardian’s only good record “Nightphallus in Middle Penis”, and quite not fucken surprisingly they fail epically and majestically. Go fuck your minstrel choirboys in the ass, fuckos. 2

Farlus (guest): This band is so unimaginative that they stole their progressions from Christmas songs. Listen to “Merlin – Legend of the Past”. It’s like Dragonforce covered “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”. Oh, and Freedom Call also stole the synthesizer from “The Final Countdown” for their song “Tears of Babylon”. This whole album sounds like it took about 5 bucks and a few blowjobs to produce. For fuck’s sake, this power metal is rotting my mind. 1